Remembering

~ For Marc

Especially when the house is quiet 
or I'm driving, windows closed, radio turned down, 
and then I'm talking to you in spirit. It's been the 
only way since you decided you won't.
My words ring, and yours, I conjure, 
how they might form in your head, 
as they surely never reach your lips.
I remember the Jerry Garcia tie I gave you for the holidays
and the kiss on my cheek for my birthday. 
Then I remember thinking I might die 
between Friday afternoon and Monday morning. 
I remember the deep, soulful stares, drinking me in. 
I wanted to reach inside you, find the buried soul 
I knew so well. I never saw anything so conflicting: 
the great ability to love and the choice not to, 
like a divided heart pursuing life in contradiction. 
My own heart ached, felt torn and thought 
together we might mend. I hoped, I pleaded with a
God that seemed not to comply, yet still I waited. 
Years erased the color in my cheeks and the spring in my step. 
The waiting became my greatest failure, the hardest 
truth I would ever bear. I never created an unrealistic 
image of you, I saw you looking out a window, 
eyes filled with tears, wiped away before anyone could see. 
Our mutual sadness and your impossible obstacles 
kept us distanced. My one wish is that I get the answers, 
the reasons you can't even speak to me, let alone 
find a way to love me, as only living allows.