Imagined Loss

When I thought about it

being gone

I was scared and anxious

thinking that can't be

the right answer.

No one knows though

how it will feel when 

it's really gone.

We imagine emptiness

loneliness

a world without hope

without love.

Funny thing is

once it was gone for good

there was a realization

of nothing lost

as nothing had been gained.

Love never reached fruition.

And the wondrous world

of what it could have been

will never be lost;

as forever seen in the mind's eye

and rooted in the eternal heart.

Pretty Town

I would only know this

by walking down its 

streets and roads

rounding with the curvy ones

see where they'll take me.

Porches are decorated

still with summer colors

and there's the soft sway 

of our red, white, and blue.

Vastly present is all the green

purposefully verdant 

and proud of it.

I walked two or three miles

and no matter how pretty

the siding or brick was,

how unique in color 

the doors appeared,

or the unusual geometric

shapes of what seemed a

menagerie of windows,

it was what's inside 

the houses. It's the homes. 

The people, their families, 

their relationships.

It's a pleasant normalcy 

like returning to Green Acres

I remember from from 

20 years ago.

I could have kept walking

viewing this pretty town 

but after passing 

a man snipping peaches

from his front yard tree,

white hair blowing 

in the late summer breeze,

turning and smiling

as I walked by;

this was enough for me.

Not Brave Enough

I want to cry 

retreat into that lonely place

I'm reminded of 

when I lose again.

I want explanations

an accounting of the truth

but maybe him saying nothing 

resonates the loudest.

He would often send me music

expressions he calls them

and they'd speak for him

share his insides 

with another's lyrics.

But this song is quiet, so quiet

I can hear my heart ripping in two 

feel the pink draining from my cheeks

see the light dimming in my eyes.

I'll go to sleep tonight

wondering what he would've said

had he been a brave enough man.

Some New Truths

Is it even possible 

to have romance 

in this day and age

while we're inundated

with the latest political pun

on Facebook or Twitter 

consuming our lives

with never-ending news feeds

forgetting to feed ourselves

with real nourishment

human emotion

soft conversations 

walks at night with only

the sound of crickets 

and a moon to light the way.

We're either too tired 

or too busy, slipping 

along the backward slope

the world is taking

descending into some 

new and revealing truths:

chaos is fast becoming

commonplace 

and the time for romance

between lovers

is fading from existence.

Broken

I wish I could put together

an assemblage of words

that would clearly say what

my heart is feeling today.

But my heart is in a state of 

confusion, and transition

to it being just the organ

pumping blood through my body

keeping me alive, as alive

as I'm going to feel after

love walked out the door,

literally and swiftly abandoning 

me at that moment I was 

most vulnerable, showing 

deeper layers of myself 

expressing real needs 

and without so much as 

a shrug, and to ask

"So, how do we fix you?"

Fix me? 

Can I be any closer to myself?

Can I look into my own eyes 

to reveal his true love?

Can I whisper sweet words 

in my own ear?

Can I press myself against the 

wall and kiss me like I was 

the only air left to breathe?

How can I fix these things 

when the broken pieces 

are what walked out the door?

And the Lack of Farsightedness

The preacher said it's more

than just waiting.

It's knowing it will come.

Like ordering a package 

that takes a longer route 

or is delayed by the holidays.

Still, you know it's coming

it's on the way. 

So I want to thank Him 

in advance for whichever 

delivery method He chooses

and to say I know timing 

is always going to be off

and for reasons I don't know

but I want to thank Him

for knowing for me.

I am resigned in heart and soul 

that I am not alone 

not left to figure it all out

or to need a farsightedness

of all that is possible.

It's not always easy 

to lay down just when you 

want to run in every direction

searching for the answer

the place, the person

fit it all into a timetable

I have no control over,

and once I know that

waiting is less painful

more certain

but because I'm human
When? still looms in my mind

like a flashing neon sign.

Couches and Red Flags

Of course I want to believe

all the pretty ideas 

never questioning

the details of sweet talk 

when we're spooned 

on the couch

his lips on my bare neck

each kiss more believable 

than the next.

Of course I want to stop

my own story-telling 

like I'm a fact-checker

with a rebuttal column

researching each kiss and
You know I love you

even when he was 

more comfortable 
retreating to the couch 
from my bed

when the whole idea 

was to hold and be held

in just this one night

in be midst of busy lives.

Why after all this time

is he uncomfortable?

Why are small red flags

waving; me, suddenly

questioning all that is 

supposed to be true?

And why are those 

pretty ideas of us 

buckling from the 

vacant space?

Remedy

It's the momentary buzz

the high from those first

few words exchanged. 

It's the words that make

you forget why or how 

you were so sad just 

moments ago.

It's the tide rushing 

over your feet

or for once

letting the wind blow 

through your hair

allowing it to feel good

and you, alive.

Wishing this moment

could remain 

in all the days to come

as the memory of loss

sadness, blame

fade into the background

like a shadowy figure

lurking offstage

one you thought 

you knew 

but the image 

less and less distinct

hazy, more like fog 

burning off the morning

disappearing into the sky

until it appears no more.

Carry On and Wait

It's more than just 

the hours ticking by

morning turning 
to afternoon, 

then, another day's 

end without it happening.

The bundle of eighteen 

tasks still stacked on

my desk every day

and I burrow through it

still checking the inbox

or for a missed call

while I took another 

bathroom break.

I need them 

with all the tediousness

but it's still mine

for now 

until I can exhale 

a sigh of relief 

let the happiness 

dance inside my bones.

And I'll still drive 

and drive until 

they tell me I can 

sleep later

drive a shorter distance

to where I'm finally

going to reap the

rewards of 

all those papers 

and tests 

and that statistics 

class I thought I'd hate

but managed an A.

Where they said 

I'd be leaving them 

Summa Cum Laude.

I thought to myself 

why does a distinction 

of high honors 

sound like a pun 

for a college porn movie?

Even if this time 

has to become 

the next time 

I'll still carry on 
and wait.